You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
