Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
