He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
