I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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