i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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