i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
