I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
