Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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