Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Randomize
