Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
