OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
