Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
