Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
