The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
