Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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