I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
