Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Randomize
