My first STD was from a foam party
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
