hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
