My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
PANTIES FOUND
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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