I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Did we literally take a cab across the street
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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