Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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