Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
