I just saw a hot homeless man
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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