Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
