apparently the secret to your success is patron
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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