My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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