Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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