Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
this just has baby written all over it
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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