time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
