She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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