Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
