Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
tell me about the eggs
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
