I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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