At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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