oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
