worst night to have a conscience
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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