If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
