I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
