He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
