so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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