Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
MIDGETS
????
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
