I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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