All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
