Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
