you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
