Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
