Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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