Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
