You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
