I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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