Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
